There are plenty of reasons why infertility sucks. Most obvious, you can’t have kids. That sucks, but it seems that at the end of the day, or at least at the end of MY day, that is really a secondary suckage. Most of the time, I am consumed with the day to day suckiness of it, the poking, the prodding, the outrageous mood swings (and weight gain) caused by the medication and the constant questions and well-meaning, yet unwelcome, comments. Now, it turns out that I can add surgery to that list of sucky things to contend with on the road to having biological children.
But really, this post is about the comments. One of the things that sucks about infertility is that people really don’t know what to say and people who otherwise know you and know how to behave are at a complete loss. This loss causes them to get ‘foot in mouth’ disease. I feel bad for them since they know not what they do. So, I thought I would post a few comments that you should refrain from repeating around any potentially infertile person:
“Just relax” – ummm. . . yeah, you’ve just been told that you might never conceive a biological child. Something most of us never even think about, or spend years trying to protect against. But hey, you are right. I’ll relax, I think I’ll just go put on some Frank Sinatra and have a martini and chill in my barko-lounger.
“If you take a vacation, that might help. I know so and so who couldn’t get pregnant and she and her husband went on vacation” – REALLY? A vacation will help? Gosh, maybe going to Aruba, Montreal, Paris and London in the past two years don’t count? Maybe they don’t have enough pregnancy nutrients in their water? Where do people go where they have magical fertility air and get pregnant? Maybe they’ve got a Sandals resort where that is one of their guarantees “come stay with us, get married, get pregnant!”
“I know a couple that couldn’t get pregnant and they got a dog and then got pregnant!” I shit you not, someone said this to me. I get the point, but really, I had two dogs. We now have one. They also did not come with magic fertility potion. Maybe they are defective. Maybe there is a specific fertility dog?
“I know a couple who adopted and as soon as they did they got pregnant” Now, there are tons of stories about this and I have to admit it happens, but see, we aren’t adopting in hopes we’ll get pregnant so this is just a pretty asinine thing to say to someone who is adopting. Adoption is not second choice, or a means to have a biological child. That statement is just idiotic, yet people feel perfectly comfortable saying it anyway.
“It’s just not your time yet” And, what? It’s the crackheads time?
“You know, it’ll happen when you least expect it” – I’m never expecting it anymore. Still hasn’t happened.
Here’s a gem, actually said by one of my nearest and dearest “I don’t know how I’ll feel if I am in your situation, but right now the only reason for me to have a child is so when I look at it, I’ll see my husband” Okay, I hope it works out for you, but that is really a stupid reason to have a child. But see, I didn’t say that to that person. I didn’t say “then what, what if it doesn’t look like your husband? Will you hate it? What if you love it and cherish it and it turns into an axe murderer?” But see, I didn’t say that. I said “uh huh, right, good” because I have learned that its better, more times than not, to keep your mouth shut instead of saying truly ridiculous things.
I had another friend who was questioning my sex life and telling me about when she thought her pregnancy occurred and how important it was to have passionate sex where you just ‘connect’ and that should help. Where do people come up with this stuff? I know they mean well, I know they love us and are concerned for us, but enough! I had to tell her, although I thought she would have understood this by now, that me getting pregnant has nothing to do with me and husband even being in the same room at the same time, it has to do with the Dr. having very good aim!
So there, gentle reader, are Miss Notguilty’s etiquette tips in dealing with infertile friends and other types of loved ones. Infertility sucks for the infertile people, it doesn’t have to make you suck too.
Have your husband pull out right before he finishes. In high school, the girl always got pregnant that way.
heh, that’s a new one. thanks for adding it to the list.
If you think it’s bad now, just wait until you actually have a kid. Then you’ll be getting mother drive-by’s.
My question is: what do you say? What has someone said that was supportive? I’ve never said any of those crazy comments you’ve heard, and have yet to deal with infertility with a close friend, but would like to hear what has helped for you. And good luck to you and hubby with having a child, however it may be!
I think this is helpful, most people don’t know what to say.
One of my friends is going through IVF now. We rarely talk anymore, I realize she’s busy and physically uncomfortable and a million other things. But I would like to know what I should say to her. I keep thinking, “If there’s anything I could do,” but really, there isn’t anything I could do, is there?
Also, somewhat possibly unrelated, I think one of the reasons we don’t spend time anymore is that she spends all of her free time -purposely – around people with kids. I feel like (1) it’s not contagious, this isn’t going to help you get pregnant! and (2) this is just making her more miserable.
So… any thoughts on that?
An alternative to the hideous comments Notguilty posted:
I can’t understand what you’re going through, but I realize it must be extremely difficult. If you ever need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, I’m here and I care.
Re: helpful comments, here are some I got back from a few of my friends and my mom-in-law after this past failed IUI cycle and our telling them we’ll be doing IVF:
– “Thanks for sharing. We will be with you both on this next step in the journey, with confidence and love.”
– “Remember in The Profit – you can’t reach the highest heights until you’ve known the deepest depths. You are headed in a great direction! We love you both very much.”
– “Now your chances have doubled with the IVF and I know you will have your little miracle soon!”
– “I can’t imagine the pain and devastation you’re going through, but I am here for you if you need anything.”
– “Just know that we are all rooting for you guys! And I know that one day all of your dreams will come true! I love you so much and want you to know that I am here for whenever you feel like talking…”
What all of these comments have in common is being SUPPORTIVE and being POSITIVE. Not pitying, not trying to act like they know what you’re going through, not “giving advice.”…that’s when it gets to be annoying and unwelcome.
Something that bothers me these days are the well meaning “are you pregnant?” questions. In my head I’m all… “No, I’m not, but thanks for rubbing that in.” In person I say, of course, “No, not that I know of.” *smile* *run away* *think sad thoughts* etc.
Hi – I seem to have stumbled on your blog – linked from blonde justice. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. One of my friends from karate (and her husband) also recently went through months of IUI? stuff that was covered by insurance, and is now saving up money for IVF, which is not. I don’t think I said any of those things to her, but it was helpful to hear them, and the positive things that someone posted.
So I went and read all the stuff about when you worked for K& S – I’ll probably read the rest of it eventually. I’ve got some stuff on my myspace but it’s mostly old. Anyway, great blog and I’ll be thinking of you. – Kathy
My husband and I loved the article. We emailed it to a few people how fit the bill. We could add another ten to the list. Thanks for taking the time to write this article.
Great list. In response to Julie who asked “what do you say?” – I echo a lot of the replies her. Don’t tell us you know how it feels, etc. Be positive and supportive. That doesn’t mean you have to keep telling us “you’ll have a child soon enough.” That can sound dismissive. Talk to us the same as you always do. Ask if we’d like to talk about it. Ask the concrete question, “What do you need from me?”
Saw this and thought of you…
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/5099188.stm
Wow, I can’t believe people actually say that kind of shit. It’s further proof that 97% of people are utterly lacking in common sense.
Anyway, I haven’t commented for a long time, but I’ve been reading you and just want to say this: I’m very sorry about what’s going on with you; it just sounds awful in every possible way. But I think it’s great that you’re considering adopting (and I find it equally ridiculous that any crackhead can have a kid but they put you through the third degree when you adopt). We’re still thinking of you up here and we send big hugs.
I just stumbled upon your blog, and
for what it’s worth, I know a good number of people that have gotten pregnant using fertility drugs–a number of them now have twins. I hope that you have as much success as they have. I know how difficult it can be in your situation.
As for people not knowing what to say–I’ve found that most people rarely know what to say when another person is facing a hardship of some sort (infertility, death or illness in the family, or are ill themselves). Many people just ignore the situation rather than say the wrong thing. I guess it’s just human nature. Sorry you’re on the receiving end of it right now though.
Hnag in there!
As a PCO chick, I’ve heard my share, too. a la Anon #1: “Well, getting drunk and doing it in a car worked for a lot of girls I know.”
For real, my favorite comment was a friend who hugged me and offered to take me out for egg drop soup. You know, to make eggs drop. Get it?
thanks for writing- I agree with everything you said- I have been and continue to struggle with infertility- and people often tell me many of the things you listed. It is nice to know someone understands!
Do you know what people in this situation want to hear…they want to hear that this sucks. They do not need your false feelings of hope. they want you to commiserate with them on the fact that this sucks. And if you are lucky enough to be able to have babies whenever you want….then shut the fuck up and leave us alone.
Infertility is often considered a taboo, usually drawn to people who suffer from this problem without thinking that they live psychologically affected, as you say infertility sucks for people who suffer, for my power is not the worst have children, but must learn to live with it and move forward.
a well meaning church friend once smiled and said" if its God's will" and walked away. I know she meant well and I do belive in God's will but I wanted to say when you can tell me why its's God's will for you to have children and not His will for me then come back and talk to me. until then shut up. Obviously I did not say that. I think people do not know what to say but they feel the need to fill the space and in their eye's saying something is better than nothing.