There are moments when I am well. Extremely well. Thinking about work and clients and obligations that I’ve put off to tend to the needs of my family in this time of grief. And then there are days when it all falls apart and while I can go through the motions it is hard to have my heart in it entirely.
But, then I get here, to the office or the computer and I look at the folks who are counting on me – my clients and their families and it reminds me that what we do here on this earth is all that matters. I hope you believe in an afterlife that is yours no matter how you behave in this life. I think that is a pleasant way of coping with your human frailties and failings, but since I lack such faith I figure that if I’m going to die, if worms are going to eat me and I’ll end up as nothing more than so much ash and bones, I need to keep fighting the good fight as long as I’ve got breath to keep me going. Otherwise, what’s it all for.
So, I’ll go prep for the trials I have coming up, file motions and applications for clients and keep the faces of those who made it possible for me to be here steady in my rear-view mirror. And now and again I’ll cry at a country song (but who doesn’t) and hope that in time the grief will lessen but my resolve will not.
I offer my condolences on your loss of your grandmother. I know how you feel. I have been there as well. I lost my sister-in-law and baby niece to a drunk driver back in 2003. The investigator at the PD's office where I worked told me that when a person suffers a great tragedy, such as the loss of a loved one, there is no getting over it, but the learning of how to manage the grief one day at a time. I have come to learn the truth in what he said.
Hang in there. Thinking of you and your family. I feel like I know them all after years of posts.